Friday, December 21, 2012

SEC Audits Wall Street

Through a paid internship program sponsored by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, a team of senior Securities and Exchange Commission officials have reportedly conducted an exhaustive after-hours audit of Wall Street practices in search of new efficiencies that would gain the nation’s so-called Makers an even greater share of America’s economic take.

According to reports, the key finding of this so-called A Team of Makers-in-Training is that Wall Street has not been taking nearly enough advantage of the blanket immunity from prosecution that the Obama administration has granted them.

Said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, speaking on behalf of the CEO Council spearheading the Fix the Deficit movement, “As much as it goes against the grain to listen to anything the SEC boys ever have to say, we have to admit that these interns might have a point.

“I mean after all, it’s risk-taking that makes us the Makers. As the embodiment of the American entrepreneurial spirit we think it might even be incumbent upon us in this deficit-stopped economy to do more pushing of the legal envelope, or the illegal envelope as the case may be.”

Added Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan, “It’s embarrassing actually to read the section of the auditors’ report where the interns point out that nobody was ever even really firing any of the law enforcement bullets we all thought we were dodging after we got caught red-handed robbing all the Takers in society blind.

“I’ve been wondering all along what everybody wasn’t getting about Obama’s whole “Let’s all look forward and not backward” thing. I’m pretty sure what he’s been telling us is that the future he and his DOJ’s looking forward into does not include holding the money makers and the law makers and the war makers to any of the same laws that steer the Takers in the direction of our colleagues in the private corrections industry.”

“The bottom line,” said CEO Blankfein, “is that he doesn’t mean all the hurtful words he’s been hurling over a shoulder at us while he’s looking forward and listening for if not technically looking backwards at any Takers who make the big mistake of blowing a whistle on the money or law or war makers.”

Said CEO Moynihan, “The man’s one of us, full stop. Hell, he might be more one of us than we are. His ongoing gross misuse of all the political capital he amassed by hurling hurtful words at us Makers and selling the Takers a bill of goods about never ever ever selling them out to the Makers is really something to behold.

“You watch. Mr. Barack O’Populist is going to screw the Takers blue for us in this fiscal showdown he’s let us orchestrate.”

Said one member of the intern team speaking to Shining City Gazette on condition of anonymity because the terms of his internship don’t allow him to speak unless a Maker says he can, “We’re not necessarily saying Wall Street should have called in drone strikes on the Occupy movement, or that they should have started totally disregarding whatever amendment it is that did away with slavery, or that they should have begun physically threatening instead of blatantly bribing public officials.

“We’re just saying that when the foxes watching the henhouse have their own assassination programs and look the other way when big banks like HSBC get caught laundering drug and terrorist money, and when the likes of Condoleezza Rice are walking around scot free on the street, and when the foxes in question have a perfect record of never prosecuting other foxes, it’s kind of hard not to draw the conclusion that pretty much anything goes for those at the top of the American heap.”

As a small footnote on this story, according to sources, the auditors’ report includes a waggish paragraph in the Conclusions section where the interns tell the Makers that while they should feel free to pass out pink slips to any of their lawyers specializing in criminal defense, they probably should avoid smoking medical marijuana, and at all costs should steer clear of any and all patterns of behavior that might get them mistaken for a Muslim or a sympathizer with a Muslim.

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