Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Makers Take on Takers

Shining City Gazette has obtained a copy of the minutes taken at a recent strategy session held by the Council of CEOs spearheading the all-out, high profile deficit scold campaign calling itself Fix the Debt.

According to the detailed notes taken by an unnamed special guest stenographer from the Washington press corps, the Treasurer’s report was interrupted at the four-minute mark when an alarm in the A Class cleanroom where the meeting was taking place went off, indicating that the number of particles per square meter in the air all the so-called smartest men in the room were breathing was coming dangerously close to dropping below 400 times less than that found in the air most people breath in the average enclosed environment.

The minutes indicate that the breath-holding CEOs were preparing to escape to a nearby safecleanroom when Honeywell CEO David M. Cote turned up the dial on the room’s main vaporizing device, releasing the extra Triethylene glycol needed to kill enough viable airborne bacteria to allow the CEOs to breath a bit easier.

When the Treasurer’s report resumed, the Council then heard the good news that they had already raised over 200 million dollars to go toward their campaign to take raising their taxes off the table and take the social safety net away from all America’s so-called Takers.

This news was then followed by the bad news that the one percent of Americans making up the so-called Makers in society are so far only taking in a little over 93% of the money recovered after the Great Recession the Makers made.

Next on the agenda was the postmortem of the CBS interview in which Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein scolded old and poor Americans for having raised expectations regarding their own financial well-being too high for the Makers in society to reach the much much higher expectations they have earned as the Makers.

First to speak was Bank of America CEO Brian T. Moynihan, who according to the notes, deadpanned, “Great job, Lloyd. But I’m wondering why you didn’t work the line ‘Let them eat Twinkies’ into your sermon.”

The minutes indicate that the entire Council at this point experienced some difficulty mirroring CEO Moynihan’s deadpan.

This difficulty was made more urgent when Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said, “Or maybe ‘Let them eat Ding Dongs’.”

All CEOs in attendance then laughed outright when after Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini said, “Or maybe ‘Let them eat Ho Hos’”, and after AT & T CEO Randall Stephenson then said, “Did somebody just say ‘Ho Ho Ho’?”, JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon quipped, “That doesn’t sound like anything one of us would have said.”

The guest stenographer had some difficulty keeping up with the outbreak of crosstalk and hijinks that followed, but did make note of Boeing CEO W. James McNerney’s raucously received pantomiming of a hobo’s high wire act with no safety net below.

When Wall Street billionaire Peter Peterson gaveled the CEOs back to order, the Council took up the last item on the agenda—President Obama’s outrageous lack of gratitude for all they do.

After each CEO was given five minutes to share how he felt about all the hurtful words the President recently used in his feigned populist campaigning, Bank of America CEO Brian T. Moynihan, in an apparent attempt at mood-lightening humor, told his peers that with his terminally hurt feelings he was going to ask the Make A Wish Foundation to make the Takers make his day by showing him the love his money didn’t seem to be buying him.”

“It’s not funny, Brian,” said JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon.

“Not at all,” somebody seconded.

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