Friday, December 28, 2012

White House Frustrated by Massacre

The White House is reportedly growing impatient over the hold the Newtown massacre made the President put on the public relations pushback he was set to launch in response to growing calls for limits on his limitless killer drone program.

One source close to this aborted media blitz told Shining City Gazette that before this latest disaster for the gun lobby the White House was preparing to echo the NRA pretty heavily in telling America that it’s not killer drones that kill people and it’s not presidents who kill people with killer drones who kill people or trigger-pullers in Nevada following the president’s orders to kill people with killer drones who kill people. It’s people who won’t stop engaging in questionable patterns of behavior that force the president to order people in Nevada to kill people and nearby people with killer drones who kill people.

Said deputy White House press secretary Nancy Wright, “Our best estimate is that it will be a good two months more at least before the gun lobby has ushered America far enough past Newtown that the President can borrow their lines of reasoning without re-awakening the exception Americans periodically take to senseless violence.

“Of course it will be a bit longer even than that if another gun-related massacre happens before Newtown blows over.”

Added Ms. Wright, “It’s just one of those things we learn to roll with in the public relations business. I mean, sometimes no sooner do you prepare to go all out again in reminding America about how much the country owes the super rich job creators than in comes a bunch of worse than expected new jobs numbers at the same time the super rich break some new profits record again, or in comes another non-partisan report showing that it’s not really the super rich job creators who create the jobs, or some high-profile super rich guy calls everybody but the super rich a bunch of numb-nutted parasites.

“So you take a deep breath, put all the glowing things you had to say about the super rich on the shelf next to all the glowing things you had to say about clean coal before freakish superstorm Sandy struck—and you wait till Americans are ready again to hear what they need to hear.

“And in the case of this campaign to set Americans straight about the President’s unlimited killer drone program, it wasn’t only the NRA-inspired sentiment that drones don’t kill people, the people drones kill kill people that we were all ready to start spreading.

“In Phase 2 we were also going to point out to Americans that when unlimited killer drones are outlawed only outlaws will have unlimited killer drones. And we were then of course going to put it out there that it’s all the gratuitous graphic violence Americans have been exposed to thanks to video games and movies and the Bush administration’s foreign policies and Julian Assange and Bradley Manning that raised Americans’ tolerance for senseless violence so high that the President can’t count on Americans to make him stop letting people and nearby people kill themselves with his killer drone program.

“Of course as a last resort we were prepared to have the President tell Americans that he would give them his drones when they pried them from his cold, dead hands.

“So anyway, the minute the gun lobby’s done putting the lid back on all the public clamoring for gun control, we’ll be out there squelching the calls for limits on killer drones. In the meantime, we’ll just keep invoking the limits on our ability to even talk about the limitless killer drone program in question so to speak.”

In a related story, the NRA got more bad news today to go with the Newtown PR disaster when the non-partisan Pew Charitable Trusts reported that their detailed analysis shows that it was the explosion of gun sales in anticipation of President Obama’s rumored plan to outlaw guns in a second term that raised the economy above the threshold below which he could not possibly have gained a second term.

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