America's Killer Revealed, or Not

In what some are calling more fallout from the AP phone-tapping scandal, the AP will reportedly not be honoring the White House’s routine request that they sit until further notice on the leaked outcome of the real-world, full scale game of Clue recently conducted by war games engineers from the Navy’s Modeling, Virtual Environments and Simulation (MOVES) Institute.

Said Gary Pruitt, CEO of AP and apparently its press secretary, “We hate to seem petty, but we’ll be reporting whenever we feel like it on what we firmly believe is a story the American public has a right to hear—that the nation’s intelligence community now knows well beyond a reasonable or even a shadow of a doubt who killed America.”

According to a credible anonymous source close to the game, reportedly thought to have been a junior refreshment procurement officer on the Red Team, it was America’s Best and Brightest in the Beltway with Kool Aid.

Surprise is already being registered on all sides of the nation’s major political fault lines. In a sentiment echoed over and over up and down the political and other spectrums, anchorman emeritus Dan Rather tweeted, “Can’t believe American newsman found grit/integrity to stop bending over for big boys.”

Great surprise is also being registered everywhere with regard to the who, where and how of America’s tragic undoing.

Said one self-described orphan of a dead and gone mother country, “I would have bet money it was Dick Cheney in an easy chair with a telephone, but only because George Bush in Texas with a chainsaw is too obvious and Obama in the White House with a great big white smile sounds kind of racist.”

For her part, Michele Bachmann has reportedly just tweeted, “It was actually the homos in the marital bed with their penises.”

And a pushback tweet offensive is already being mounted in earnest by the League of America’s Best and Brightest, who are deflecting attention from themselves by variously tweeting, “The poor in their feather beds with the hands they’re holding out,” “The bleeding hearts in their own gauzy la la land with kindness,” “America’s enemies all over the world with their hatred for our freedoms,” “Whistleblowers in our midst with the nation’s national security secrets,” “The teachers in our public schools with their unions.”

The tweets have been pouring in as well from America’s second and third best and not as bright, who are variously sharing what would have been their guesses before learning who killed America and where and with what: “Greedy bastards on Wall Street with America’s elected officials,” “Chickenhawks in the comfort and safety of their own homes and offices with other people’s loved ones,” “Right wing Supreme Court justices in lifetime gigs with unbelievably stupid, partisan rulings,” “Eric Holder in the so-called DOJ with the thumb up his butt while elite criminals screw the world,” “Neocons on a high horse with a squadron of think tanks.”

For her part Sarah Palin has reportedly just tweeted, “Pussies in the lower 48 with the lamestream media.”

And Shining City Gazette is now hearing reports that the Associated Press will soon be reporting that based on new up-to-the-minute information, the White House now has reason to believe America has not quite been killed by her Best and Brightest in the Beltway.

So the good news, according to the White House, is that America is not dead yet. The bad news is that the White House believes the press, working in the shadows, is trying to finish the job with mortifying government leaks about what America’s Best and Brightest have been up to.