Friday, May 10, 2013

Rape-Whistleblowers Remain Unnamed

President Obama is reportedly already growing frustrated by the code of silence sealing the lips of the distaff side of America’s armed forces despite a direct order to blow the whistle on the rape-whistleblower or blowers responsible for the unfortunately so-called “broadcasting” of the national security-compromising intelligence that last year another 26,000 of the nation’s female men-at-arms joined the 19,000 who were sexually assaulted the year before.

Said Pentagon spokesman George Little, “The problem stems from all our lady warriors now uniformly seeing themselves as military prisoners in America’s War on Women.

“What this means on the ground is that we’re now dealing with an impenetrable network of 200,000 female wingmen for whom the US Military Code of Conduct just kicked in, specifically Article 4, which reads, ‘If I become a prisoner of war, I will keep faith with my fellow prisoners. I will give no information or take part in any action which might be harmful to my comrades.’

“In other words, our drill sergeants have basically drilled too much duty and honor into these female fighting men for the nation’s own good. They have been infused with a mental attitude and placed in a state of training which, as the definition of Military Discipline lays out, “renders obedience instinctive under all conditions,” up to and including a situation like this in which obeying the mandates of a Code of Conduct means obediently disobeying one’s every feminine impulse to obey a superior’s direct order.

“Given their impregnable feminine proclivity for obedience, the most the commander-in-chief himself--using any interrogation enhancement he liked, even inspired by his desire to keep his record of tracking down and persecuting military and government-embarrassing whistleblowers perfect--could hope for is a bunch of names, ranks, serial numbers, and probably fudged dates of birth, at least from the older ladies.”

Added Mr. Little, “Further complicating this whole SNAFU within a SNAFU is that because one of our own, acting alone or in confederacy with others, decided to blow the rape whistle or whistles, we’ve had to use up so much brig space keeping all the sexual predators on the spear side of the armed forces out of sight and mind for a while, that even if we did capture the rape-whistleblower or blowers in question nobody’s sure where we’re supposed to find even a footlocker for converting into a cell for subjecting her or them to the enhanced hard nut-cracking techniques we’ve developed thanks to lessons learned from Bradley Manning.

“Thanks to this damn sequester, we can’t just requisition a sensory deprivation tank to let a whistleblower stew bare-nakedly in for 23 and three-quarter hours a day until she recollects that the US Military Code of Conduct also has an Article 6, which says, ‘I will never forget I’m an American.’

“As in, ‘I will never forget to keep upholding the collective national understanding that the US military always acts honorably no matter how dishonorably it keeps acting at home and abroad.’”

In related news the nation’s chickenhawks are complaining bitterly that thanks to whoever blew the rape whistle on Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski, head of the Air Force’s Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Program, their jobs just got a lot harder with regard to using Islamic misogyny to egg America into manning up and attacking Syria.

Said chickenhawk Bill Keller from the New York Times, “Contrary to what people might think, another woman-hating Muslim state for America to invade doesn’t present itself every day. You’ve got to strike when the political window has been cracked open, for instance by a new US Secretary of Defense’s switching the green light on the idea of women going into combat.

“We were all ready to capitalize on the novelty of the prospect of the nation’s ladies going hand-to-hand with Syrian lady-haters and then out of nowhere we’re all suddenly being shrilly reminded on multiple fronts that military women have long been on the front lines of the War of the Sexes.

“By the time we could have Kathryn Bigelow work with the CIA to throw a film together that did collateral damage control so to speak on this whole over-friendly firing on the ladies, the Syrian window would likely be closed tighter than the lips on these women who won’t give up the whistleblowers.”

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