Friday, May 3, 2013

Profits Stoke Anti-Tax Fervor

In a new development that experts say bodes well for America’s so-called 99%, the 1% has now taken so much control of the US government that wildly exorbitant corporate and personal profits have become completely indistinguishable from taxes.

Said the Americans for Tax Reform’s Grover Norquist, “I don’t think even one of these filthy rich plutocrats has a bathtub big enough to drown the government in now that it includes every Wall Street fat cat and his big fat brother and big fat sister along with the whole cast of literally thousands in this blockbuster puppet show we’ve been calling representative government.

“The hard-working American taxpayer’s paying a 20-cent federal excise tax on a gallon of Chevron gasoline, 30 cents in state and local flat and excise taxes, and a buck fifty in pocket-lining taxes that go straight to John S. Watson for adding to his 30-plus million dollar annual salary and for making sure the well of taxpayer-funded oil subsidies doesn’t dry up and of course for making damn sure he doesn’t end up spending his own money on lining his own pockets by paying any corporate taxes or anything above and beyond the most nominal amount of personal income tax.

“Why in the hell do Jane and John Q. Taxpayer keep getting the bill when the Watsons and the Kochs and the Dimons and the Petersons of the world keep going way way over budget in their 30-year Washington-sponsored business venture of annexing a big platinum capital ISM once and for all to the end of the nation’s capital?

“Predictably, the more reins of government these titans of formerly private industry take, the dumber and more wasteful they get. I honestly don’t know whether to laugh or cry anymore when all the multi-millionaires and billionaires in this Fix the Debt Club sit there in the overstuffed seat of government and carry on about shrinking the very government they’re packing wall-to-wall with Wall Streeters.

“I’ve got a not so funny feeling I’m not going to have too much luck getting these plutocrats to sign a ‘No New Profits’ pledge.”

Said the 99%’s Gary Prince, “Hear that? That’s the sweet sound of the tables turning now that outrageous profits have been exposed as the taxes they really are. Now that the 1%’s become synonymous with big government, we’ve got a bottomless supply of anti-tax mania to bring to bear in our efforts to bridge a little the yawning wealth and power gap between us and the plutocrats.

“Now that Grover’s on our side, we finally have a fighting chance. If the man can spend well over a generation enjoying so much success at making the world safer and safer for a small minority of sociopathic profiteers at the expense of the vast majority of Americans, imagine what he can accomplish when it’s actually the vast majority of Americans he starts going to bat for.”

In related news, researchers at the Centers for Abnormal Economic Psychology are reportedly closing in on pinpointing the precise amount of personal wealth and power it takes for a human being to turn sociopathically self-satisfied.

Said a spokesperson for the Centers, “Knowing the tipping point at which compassion for one’s less fortunate and/or less lucky fellow man and woman disappears would obviously be invaluable in the event that someone in America’s Maker class ever became interested in preserving his or her soul.

In more related news, a peer-reviewed paper just published in the Journal of Political and Social Relativity is advancing the provocative proposition that banks have not failed and bankers have not been jailed not because the banks have gotten too big but because Americans have gotten too small.

No comments:

Post a Comment