In a new development that experts say bodes well for
America’s so-called 99%, the 1% has now taken so much control of the US
government that wildly exorbitant corporate and personal profits have become
completely indistinguishable from taxes.
Said the Americans for Tax Reform’s Grover Norquist, “I
don’t think even one of these filthy rich plutocrats has a bathtub big enough
to drown the government in now that it includes every Wall Street fat cat and
his big fat brother and big fat sister along with the whole cast of literally
thousands in this blockbuster puppet show we’ve been calling representative
government.
“The hard-working American taxpayer’s paying a 20-cent
federal excise tax on a gallon of Chevron gasoline, 30 cents in state and local
flat and excise taxes, and a buck fifty in pocket-lining taxes that go straight
to John S. Watson for adding to his 30-plus million dollar annual salary and
for making sure the well of taxpayer-funded oil subsidies doesn’t dry up and of
course for making damn sure he doesn’t end up spending his own money on lining
his own pockets by paying any corporate taxes or anything above and beyond the
most nominal amount of personal income tax.
“Why in the hell do Jane and John Q. Taxpayer keep getting
the bill when the Watsons and the Kochs and the Dimons and the Petersons of the
world keep going way way over budget in their 30-year Washington-sponsored
business venture of annexing a big platinum capital ISM once and for all to the
end of the nation’s capital?
“Predictably, the more reins of government these titans of formerly
private industry take, the dumber and more wasteful they get. I honestly don’t
know whether to laugh or cry anymore when all the multi-millionaires and
billionaires in this Fix the Debt Club sit there in the overstuffed seat of
government and carry on about shrinking the very government they’re packing
wall-to-wall with Wall Streeters.
“I’ve got a not so funny feeling I’m not going to have too much
luck getting these plutocrats to sign a ‘No New Profits’ pledge.”
Said the 99%’s Gary Prince, “Hear that? That’s the sweet
sound of the tables turning now that outrageous profits have been exposed as
the taxes they really are. Now that the 1%’s become synonymous with big
government, we’ve got a bottomless supply of anti-tax mania to bring to bear in
our efforts to bridge a little the yawning wealth and power gap between us and
the plutocrats.
“Now that Grover’s on our side, we finally have a fighting
chance. If the man can spend well over a generation enjoying so much success at
making the world safer and safer for a small minority of sociopathic profiteers
at the expense of the vast majority of Americans, imagine what he can
accomplish when it’s actually the vast majority of Americans he starts going to
bat for.”
In related news, researchers at the Centers for Abnormal
Economic Psychology are reportedly closing in on pinpointing the precise amount
of personal wealth and power it takes for a human being to turn sociopathically
self-satisfied.
Said a spokesperson for the Centers, “Knowing the tipping
point at which compassion for one’s less fortunate and/or less lucky fellow man and woman
disappears would obviously be invaluable in the event that someone in America’s
Maker class ever became interested in preserving his or her soul.
In more related news, a peer-reviewed paper just published
in the Journal of Political and Social
Relativity is advancing the provocative proposition that banks have not
failed and bankers have not been jailed not because the banks have gotten too
big but because Americans have gotten too small.
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