Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Terror Conference Call a Success

In a bombshell dropped by the hacked and leaked minutes taken by the American side at a recent secret global perpetual war summit via conference call and confirmed by the hacked and leaked minutes taken by the Muslim side and vice versa, the principles on both sides of what both sides are now calling the Global War on Terror, only in different languages, are admitting that they have lost track of who’s outsmarting whom.

In both sets of intercepted minutes a note is made of how well the hastily thrown together Robert’s and Ahmed’s or Ahmed’s and Robert’s Rules of Order worked in sorting things out when the two sides simultaneously raised the same point of order just after the two sides simultaneously made a motion, which the two sides simultaneously seconded, that it be entered in no uncertain terms and immediately into the two secret records that the summit at hand was in no manner a matter of negotiating with the terrorists.

After the little bit of housekeeping that followed the jointly seconded joint motion to give the two sides equal credit for the motion to put on the two records that no terrorists were being negotiated with, the conference callers moved quickly on to the only other item on the agenda—getting a handle on where everything stands with respect to who’s winning on the all-important front of framing what the Global War on Terror’s all about.

The minutes on both sides become quite hard to follow, but with the help of a pamphlet provided as a public service by a division of CliffsNotes International specializing in the raveling of brain-raveling and raveling geopolitical plot lines, Shining City Gazette is reasonably sure it now has straight the major strands in the tangled webs within webs of snarled reasoning that have snared the globe in a War on Terror.

It seems the Muslims now hate us for hating them for still hating us even after we’ve fearfully given up most of the freedoms they were supposed to have hated us for.

At the same time, Americans and Muslims alike are hating each other and each other for being made to hate themselves for becoming the thing they hate by hating their fellow Muslims or Americans either for letting the terrorists win by demanding their freedoms back or letting the terrorists win by not doing so.

Said an anonymous source in America’s so-called private army corps of word warriors, “When both sides have to send out legions of Special Ops search teams to track down pronoun references in the delineation of your casus belli, you know your war’s gone a little haywire.

“If we’re going to keep up this War to Perpetuate All War it behooves us to keep it straight and simple why we hate each other and who’s winning and who’s losing the war of words. You start playing with the net down and everybody starts losing interest in a hurry.

“It’s a very good sign that the chief jihadists on both sides have agreed to agree that it’s time to press the reset button. I’m heartened as well that one of the action items the summit attendees came up with is to look at the Crusades for guidance as they move forward with reducing the Global War on Terror’s color palette to one plain white and one plain black.”

In more confusing news, the Associated Press is reportedly thinking seriously about beating the White House to the punch by reporting itself on the internal debates that led to AP’s breaking protocol and not exclusively using White House talking points or even story-thwarting he said/she said journalism in their coverage of the Obama administration’s unconstitutional probe of AP phone records.

Said AP CEO Gary Pruitt, “If scooping the White House makes for some uncomfortable moments at the next government-press corps mixer, well so be it.”

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